I started writing when I was about 13.I received my first diary from my brother.Such a treasure.My treasure.It was a pretty little thing with pink trim.Now that treasure stays tucked away for safe keeping and due to damage I had to separate all the little pages and place them in sleeves.
When I fist heard the name I was in church(One of the many my parents took us too)and I remember looking up as though someone had called my name."Eleazar" the priest said..The son of Aaron.I remember repeating the name over and over in my head..how it sweetly sang to me.Even though I knew it was a male name,my connection with it was real,and there was no denying it.So when my love for fashion design started,it was only natural that I use the name placed in my path. With some tweaking,my journals and designs would carry the name Eli Azar.
Through the course of my young life I consistently journaled.Capturing festive and fun times,wild and stupid times,first loves...first every things.
When I was about 30 I started going back and reading my earlier journals...I quickly noticed a pattern with my writing.My writing had taken on the role of superficial guardian.Hiding myself from every ounce of emotion,I wrote only about happy times,consciously neglecting what I didn't want to face.As an outsider looking in,based on my journals,life was great!
And so I came to question my motive for writing in the first place.I beat myself up about that.If my hope has always been to one day pass my journals on to my children,...why document a false reality?
So when my daughter said to me the other day....."who cares if the sun comes up"(something I always tell her when she's blue) I remembered my earlier journals.Though they may be only part of the truth,they are the truth none the less.Those journals helped mold me into the "cup is always have full" kinda girl I am today.Yes,..we all have issues,yes,.. we all have skeletons in our closets,yes,... we all get sad,yes....but the sun always comes up,and this perception is my reality.It is the base that holds me together.
Nowadays,I journal less,but with a open heart.It's ok to share sadness and grief,its a helpful tool in recovery.My journal of choice these days,lies on my lap as I type.This blog started as a way to share my art and it has become so much more.The wonderful people I meet,sharing stories,sharing life.A wonderful opportunity to keep growing.Thank you friends.