Monday, February 15, 2010

Dearest Eli,

Why do I write to you Sweet Eli?

I started writing when I was about 13.I received my first diary from my brother.Such a treasure.My treasure.It was a pretty little thing with pink trim.Now that treasure stays tucked away for safe keeping and due to damage I had to separate all the little pages and place them in sleeves.

When I fist heard the name I was in church(One of the many my parents took us too)and I remember looking up as though someone had called my name."Eleazar" the priest said..The son of Aaron.I remember repeating the name over and over in my head..how it sweetly sang to me.Even though I knew it was a male name,my connection with it was real,and there was no denying it.So when my love for fashion design started,it was only natural that I use the name placed in my path. With some tweaking,my journals and designs would carry the name Eli Azar.


Through the course of my young life I consistently journaled.Capturing festive and fun times,wild and stupid times,first loves...first every things.

When I was about 30 I started going back and reading my earlier journals...I quickly noticed a pattern with my writing.My writing had taken on the role of superficial guardian.Hiding myself from every ounce of emotion,I wrote only about happy times,consciously neglecting what I didn't want to face.As an outsider looking in,based on my journals,life was great!
And so I came to question my motive for writing in the first place.I beat myself up about that.If my hope has always been to one day pass my journals on to my children,...why document a false reality?



So when my daughter said to me the other day....."who cares if the sun comes up"(something I always tell her when she's blue) I remembered my earlier journals.Though they may be only part of the truth,they are the truth none the less.Those journals helped mold me into the "cup is always have full" kinda girl I am today.Yes,..we all have issues,yes,.. we all have skeletons in our closets,yes,... we all get sad,yes....but the sun always comes up,and this perception is my reality.It is the base that holds me together.

Nowadays,I journal less,but with a open heart.It's ok to share sadness and grief,its a helpful tool in recovery.My journal of choice these days,lies on my lap as I type.This blog started as a way to share my art and it has become so much more.The wonderful people I meet,sharing stories,sharing life.A wonderful opportunity to keep growing.Thank you friends.


Whats your Eleazar?





As always,thank you so much for stopping by



16 comments:

NuminosityBeads said...

That's funny, I notice that my journals from when I was younger only document my blues and frustrations and when times were riding high I had no time to write. It's perhaps why it embarrasses me to read my own writing from those days. Now I'm trying to document by picking and choosing the elements of my life that I feel are most positive.

It seems that each of us are balancing what was missing in our earlier writing.

I agree that the sharingness of your creative process is an amazing aspect of blogging.

KeLLy aNN said...

I was going to post exactly what NuminosityBeads posted. I was just thinking last week if any body would read my journals they would think how miserable I was, laugh. I started my kids on their first journals last summer. They really enjoy it.

I really enjoyed reading your post. These kind of posts always give me a picture of a person.

Kismet Lucky 13 ~ through a process that started over a decade ago, with the simple Goddess Shoppe, it evolved into that. The Lucky 13 came first, I've always hadreally good, great days on Friday the 13th. So I knew it would somehow be included in my endeavor. While discussing opening a business with the Goddess shoppe/LUcky 13 a friend said I should call it Kismet {i sign off with it}. Something clicked and I knew I finally had it. To me it just fits everything I want in my art/journeys.

Lisa said...

Oh Cat, thank you...I remember, again! I guess I should read my own. I didn't keep writings from my youth, but started when I was in my 30's. I guess that's when I needed to. What happened yesterday is what made us today!

Hugs, Lisa

Jody said...

I was always one to write only the negative, so if anyone ever read my journals they would assume my life was incredibly horrible. Now I try to focus more on the positive. I share sadness also, but try to focus most on the positives. Like you, my blog is also slowly becoming more of an online diary, than a place to share my variety of arts. Thanks so much for sharing. I also love you music here.

Terri Conrad said...

Hi Cat -

love your post about journaling. I wish I had more hours in my day to journal like I used to.

Hey, congratulations! You won . . .
send your shipping address to me (terriconraddesigns@ca.rr.com)

ArtbymeCindy said...

I guess I am a bad girl! I never kept any journals just alot of memories. I do have creations from years ago. I still have my art portfolio from high school. Man was that a long time ago ! I have to hard of a time putting my thoughts on paper. I look up to those of you who can!

Hugs
Cindy

luthien said...

what an interesting post and something to think about. it's interesting to find out how writing affect other people in different ways. i have never written a diary or a journal but, when i am angry or frustrated and feel like i carry a lot of burden inside of me, i will write in pieces of papers and by the end of the night , my floor would be filled with sheets and sheets of papers. then i will feel better. it feels like i have spoken to someone about my frustrations. i am a pretty private person when it comes to emotions ... i tend to hid them and bury them... which it's bad. writing them out, helps me unload. thanks for sharing with us your relationship with writing :))

miramecreations said...

Thanks for sharing Cat. I have journaled off and on, but I would like to do more...mostly to leave something for my kids. I also like the name Eli...to me it says, powerful...strong. Your daughter is lucky in that she will be able to have your journals to read way after you have gone...and feel as if you were there with her. What a treasure!

Laura Haviland said...

Hi Cat,
i adore your blog and your art work.
I will enjoy following you !! I will be backf for more
Marvelous.....
Hugs,Laura.

The Josie Baggley Company said...

Hi Cat
loving your bloggy petal!
..what is un-written & un-said is the tale of the un-sure.

Rainey

Michelle Palmer said...

Beautiful post... can't say enough about it <3

Wishing you wonderful~
Michelle

Peggi Meyer Graminski said...

I always love reading your words, Cat - thank you for such a beautiful post =) xo

OneCraftyFox said...

Every once in a while I pull out my old journals and take a peak into my mind was thinking a decade ago. I still seem to relive a lot of those emotions looking back!

Kim said...

I love what you wrote.

Andrea Saujani said...

What a beautiful post. I'm always amazed by those that have the talent for writing AND creating beautiful artworks. I've never kept a typical journal myself, but I think a lot of what I'm feeling comes out in my sketchbook. - an inspiring post.
Warmly, Andrea

Cindy said...

Cat, you have a beautiful, soul searching way of expressing yourself. Thanks for the beautiful spot in my morning.